He was very careful during bondage sessions. He always used a safe word that contained upper and lower case letters and at least one number.

'How do you feel about chains?' she whispered, stroking his chest.
He gulped. 'I quite like Pizza Hut but I'm not so keen on McDonalds.'

'Don't hold back,' she said. 'I like it rough.'
'OK,' he said, and put on the extended version of Phantom Menace with director's commentary.

'Mmmm, let's play doctors,' she whispered seductively.
'All right,' he said. 'You be Doctor Who and I'll be Doctor Strange.'#DoctorStrange

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good - they just couldn't get a decent wi-fi signal.

Despite his innocent asthmatic public image, he was a real snake in the bedroom.
Hufflepuff in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets . . .

'So,' she said, entering his bedroom, 'This is where the magic happens.'
'Oh yes,' he smiled, putting on his Harry Potter glasses and cloak.

She said she was turned on by men who took risks . . .
So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

'I'm all yours tonight!' she cried, 'Do something to me you'd never normally dare do to a woman!'
'All right' he said, and made eye contact.

'Hey' she said 'When you suggested kinky superhero night you said nothing about an old man!'
'Sorry' he said 'Stan Lee insisted on a cameo.'

'I made a mistake!' she cried, 'Please don't punish me like this!'
But it was too late . .
She'd already installed the latest Apple update.

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked.
He nodded nervously.
'OK' she said and ate half his chips

'Harder!' she screamed, 'Harder!'
'All right,' he said. 'What's the square root of nine times twelve divided by six point three recurring?'

I may not know how to get a girlfriend but I know how to write bug-free software . . .
I got 99 problems but a glitch ain't one.